"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
Every step I make in G-d's direction, I make with the greatest of ease.
My hands were covered in a thick goo of challah and it symbolized more than dough. This week was messy. I made it that way. I have to own it.
My challah this week is a symbol of atonement ushering in better Shabbas', better days, and better decisions ahead. This week was a test of my moral compass. I failed on so many levels. I kissed my yatzer tov (good inclination) goodbye for a few hours and told someone exactly what was on my mind. There is a tough challenge of saying what's on my mind/having chutzpah versus guarding my tongue. Chutzpah ruled this week. My test was a perfect recipe to Jess; it involved a loss of a large sum of money. I was lost in a paper trail of saving, squandering, and trying to hold onto something that was already gone.
When I stopped to gather myself...I felt sick. I cried out to G-d during Shachris (he answered), I thanked him during Mincha (he said your welcome), and as I was about to close my eyes I sang out Shema (and he said, I forgive you).
I dance a clumsy tango with G-d. When I follow his lead I feel bliss and when I stumble backwards in a salsy twist I find myself tripping over ego.
My challahs are in the oven now. I am amazed that even when made with a heavy heart the end result is delicious. It's a reminder from G-d that I may fail my tests but he's still with me through every screw up.... waiting patiently for me to see the light and find the good.
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