Remember Me.

I started making challah over two years ago.  Each week; the 5 lbs of flour, the seperation of the dough, the bracha, the praying for my families welfare, and lastly davenning for the sick battling for every last breath.

My journey began as a simple MODIM (thank you) to Hashem.  Funny that my memory can fail me so many times but this one moment still makes me shiver.  It was 2008, I was getting a "routine" sonogram for  Zoe (who was then in my belly).  I was alone.  I remember telling David that there was no need to take off of work..."been there done this, third kid...old pro"  The tech swabbed my belly and rolled the sonogram stick....from light pressure to my abdomin to uncomfortable hard pushing.  The room which was pretty light turned to tension fast.  Something was wrong with the baby.  She knew it.  I knew it.  But no one spoke.  The tech finally broke the silence.  "This is not good, this isn't right...the neck....I have to get the Dr.  Stay here and I will be back".

And with that I was left in a dark room with only Zoe and a hated monitor to stare at.  I felt like a trapped animal.  I had NO clue what to do.  What can I do?  All I could think of was to BEG Hashem.  I nervously repeated "Change the Judgment" "Change the Judgement" until I sounded like I was chanting...the words, the room, my own self were a blurr.

3o stressful, painful, heartbreaking minutes passed until I was greeted by a Dr.  She tried her best to calm me and said something about "let's see and we'll prepare for the consequences after"  With one swipe of the sonogram wand, she found nothing.  Again...nothing.  Again...pushing down harder and bringing the monitor closer to her..NOTHING.  There was no thickness in the neck (a sign of downs).

There were 3.5 people in that room...myself, the tech, the Dr, and Zoe...the Dr smiled at me and said "nothing, maybe it was a glitch...the print out a 1/2 hour ago shows something different"

I don't believe in glitches or luck though I might say it to someone less than comfortable to hear about my love for all that G-d bestows upon me.  This was a CHANGE OF JUDGEMENT.

Zoe was born a few months later.  David and I marveled at how perfectly smooth and picturesque she was (Willow and Judah had baby acne) After a few days in the hospital, I was told she failed her hearing test.  The nurse mentioned a lot of babies do.  I brushed it off and scheduled a routine appointment with an audiologist.

Zoe was 12 days old when I brought her to the Audiology Department at Hackensack Hospital.  If I've learned anything from these experiences, it's do not go alone to these life altering appointments.  After a 3 hour test, the results were unanimous.  Zoe is deaf in her left ear.  The Dr administering the test told me like she was giving me a grocery list.  I wanted to vomit.

Like the walking dead, I bundled Zoe in my arms.  Pressed the elevator button and forgot where I was when I walked out on the main floor.  I lost all sense of direction and walked straight into the Children's Oncology Department where I was greeted by a hairless boy (no more than 6) with a IV poll attached to his arm.  My outer body moping became inner body awakening.  I had a perfectly healthy baby.  Zoe would live!

 I forgot until that very moment THE JUDGEMENT WAS CHANGED.

So why on earth do I share this story over challah and rememberance?
Each week, since before Zoe was even born, I whispered into the dough "change the judgement" and now I whisper "let her hear out of both ears".  I then daven for my entire family and my list of names.  These names are young and old fighting to stay alive.  I bake with 40 other strangers whispering into my dough their hebrew names.  I am part of something bigger than myself and beg for a judgement change for sometimes perfect strangers each week.

This week, my friends sister  left my list.  I just made my challah and whispered her name the very last time.  I can not phathom the judgements of Hashem.  I can only gain perspective.

This is in memory of Masouda bat Chaviva.  You will be missed from my list, though I don't even know you.